Indestructible Fruitcake

Wondrous Item – Legendary

While most desserts are made to be eaten, or thrown in the face of a grump, fruitcakes were invented as a way to gracefully tell someone how little they mean to you. Since most fruitcakes last well over a year, one may be passed from one shitty person to another, but legends tell of one fruitcake that survived so many holidays, its origins were lost.

Yes, a dessert for terrible people found its way to you, but don’t let that influence how you view yourself. For all we know you could be a model citizen who would never even think about burning down another tavern.

The Indestructible Fruitcake cannot be destroyed, obliterated, incinerated, disintegrated, or liquidated by any means physical or magical. The Indestructible Fruitcake weighs twenty pounds and takes up about one square foot of space.

While there is no possible way for anyone to eat this (even if they have a very large fork), we are required to mention that the Indestructible Fruitcake contains gluten.